Bill Maher
Bill Maher
William "Bill" Maher is an American comedian, writer, producer, political commentator, actor, media critic, and television host. As a television host, he is well known for the HBO political talk show Real Time with Bill Maher. Maher previously hosted a similar late-night show called Politically Incorrect, originally on Comedy Central and later on ABC...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionTV Show Host
Date of Birth20 January 1956
CityNew York City, NY
CountryUnited States of America
Meat is dirty. I wouldn't touch a hot dog without a condom on it
Of course, there are questions that plague all of us. How did we get here? What happens when we die? Is there a heaven? Am I on the list? Who let the dogs out?
I have two dogs. If I had retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet, the dogs are pretty much the same thing.
Wichita Falls, Texas is considering using toilet water for drinking. And a dog there today said, 'White people's problems.'
If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away.
Oh, America! I could never leave you! You're like my dog, dumb as a post but you make me laugh!
America is like a dog. I'm sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can't actually explain issues to a dog.
Trying to get today's Republicans to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a piece of baloney, hold their snouts shut and stroke their throats. and even then, just when you think they've swallowed it, they spit it out on the linoleum.
Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station wagon was full of wives?
I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt? -timecode 1:11:10
To those people who say, 'My father is alive because of animal experimentation,' I say, 'Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.' Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off.
But I've often said that if I had – I have two dogs – if I had two retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet the dogs, which are pretty much the same thing. What? They're sweet. They're loving. They're kind, but they don't mentally advance at all. Dogs are like retarded children.
The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.
New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are "same sex" marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex.