Related Quotes
funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
humorists
Great humorists are great insulters. Dick Cavett
water healthy trying
I try to eat healthy all the time. I don't eat takeaways. I drink mostly water or coconut water. Conor McGregor
water splashing stills
I just keep going. When the water's too still, I start splashing around and things jump out of the water. Erykah Badu
water suffering natural-instinct
Yes, I suffer terribly from depression. I have to work at being happy, it's not my natural instinct. My natural instinct is, if something wonderful happens, to throw water in my own face. Fannie Flagg
water golden fields
The sun is coming down to earth, and the fields and the waters shout to him golden shouts. George Meredith
water lawyer drink
One lawyer told me that he never drinks water or eats in front of the jury because they can't do either one. Jeremy Sumpter
water needs freezer
I often put boiling water in the freezer. Then whenever I need boiling water,I simply defrost it. Gracie Allen
water soap soap-and-water
What is elegance? Soap and water! Cecil Beaton
water people crime
So many people that I've seen can't get clean water. It's a crime. Jay-Z
water fishes concepts
A fish has no concept of water. Janet Fitch