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funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
motivation greed wealth
Since time immemorial and pre-industrial, 'greed' has been the accusation hurled at the rich by the concrete-bound illiterates who were unable to conceive of the source of wealth or of the motivation of those who produce it. Ayn Rand
motivation eggs white
Every time you need protein, get yourself a boiled egg in. But your main meals would be chicken, or hummus, or white fish. You can lose about a pound a day. But you can do this stuff over a period of time, and you can have your happy days. It's about motivation and it has to be something that's realistic for you to keep up. Tom Hardy
motivational mistake sitting
The individual who is mistake-free is also probably sitting around doing nothing. And that is a very big mistake. John Wooden
motivation inspiration thinking
[There are] unseen objects that await us, if we as architects begin to think about designing not the object, but a process to generate objects. Michael Hansmeyer
motivation vanity four
Hunger, love, vanity, and fear. There are four great motives of human action. William Graham Sumner
motivation isms left
I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early. Yogi Berra
motivation thinking worry
Worry is focused thinking on something negative. Meditation is doing the same thing only focusing on God's word instead of your problem. Rick Warren
motivation what-matters achievement
Relationships, not achievements or the acquisition of things, are what matters most in life.
motivation inspiration giving
It's not about fooling somebody, it's actually giving somebody a measure of their own belief: how much you want to be fooled. That's why we pay to go to magic shows and things like that. Vik Muniz
lying long black
A convincing demonstration of correctness being impossible as long as the mechanism is regarded as a black box, our only hope lies in not regarding the mechanism as a black box. Edsger Dijkstra
lying stuff actresses
Any actor or actress that tells you that they don't watch their stuff is lying. Amy Poehler
lying ocean sleep
Let us lie down once more by the breathing side Of Ocean, where our live forefathers sleep As if the Known Sea still were a month wide-- Atlantis howls but is no longer steep! Allen Tate
lying remember clinton
What actually happened during the Clinton presidency? No one can remember anything about it except the bimbos, the lies, and the felonies Ann Coulter
lying book satan
So for those of you who haven't read any of my five best-selling books: Liberals are driven by Satan and lie constantly.
lying eye dark
I couldn't resist him, his eyes were like yours, his hair was exactly the shade of brown. He's just not as tall, but I couldn't tell, it was dark and I was lying down. Amy Winehouse
lying tales betray
A false tale often betrays itself. Aesop
lying men justice
My faith in the proposition that each man should do precisely as he pleases with all which is exclusively his own lies at the foundation of the sense of justice there is in me. Abraham Lincoln
lying heart thinking
The release of atomic power has changed everything except our way of thinking ... the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker. (1945) Albert Einstein