Related Quotes
funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
witty memories kids
A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. A tautology is a thing which is tautological. A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention. If your kids look like you, it's hereditory. If they look like the neighbor, it's the environment. Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. Dave Barry
book june third
I self-published the first edition, hardcover, in June 2003. The book is now in its third printing. George Smith
book character missing
The reason I never want a book to end is that I start to feel like the characters are my friends. I'll miss them when they're gone. Miley Cyrus
books-and-reading collection depends finished greatest professors university
What we become depends on what we read after all the professors have finished with us. The greatest university of all is the collection of books. Thomas Carlyle
book firsts stolen
I was going to do a book about the first prearranged Karpov-Kasparov match, '84-'85. But the God-damn Jews have stolen my entire file on that. Bobby Fischer
bookstores exactly manner
Bookstores don't exactly dot the American highway in the grand manner of Sbarros. Rosecrans Baldwin
book books-and-reading bring certain comic guy mythical sort
Vicente was the sort of comic book hero, the guy who was going to bring down the regime. There was a certain mythical aura. Arturo Sarukhan
book good job match repair
There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house.
book comics dc drew indie ten time work wrote
I started off doing indie comics that I wrote and drew myself. I was doing those for ten years before I started to work for DC. The first book that I wrote for DC was for another artist. I did some backups in 'Adventure Comics' years ago starring The Atom. That's the first time that I ever wrote for another artist. Jeff Lemire
book borrowed came girl meet months next reading school takes teacher trying week
I started reading this book about two months ago, because we meet once a week so it takes a while to get through it. So two months ago I started reading it and the young girl came back and said 'I got the book, I borrowed it from my teacher at school and I'm reading it.' The next thing I know she was done, so she was trying to tell the story as we were going along, but it was great.