Related Quotes
funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
country war thinking
To say that we're going to end countries or eradicate terrorism, and that it's a long war over many years, with many different instruments, suggests a much more complex and drawn-out conflict for which, I think, most Americans aren't prepared. Edward Said
country people care
I know media is not necessarily focused on these things. But what a campaign is about is not Hillary Clinton, it's not Donald Trump. It is the people of this country, people who are working longer hours for lower wages, people who do not have health care or are underinsured. Bernie Sanders
country home message
We want to get the message out that they can go to any Home Depot in the country and get a job. David Sandor
country kinds laws legal obtaining situation turned valid women
Women all over the country are being turned away from obtaining valid and legal prescriptions. These kinds of laws would only make the situation worse. It's shameful. Jackie Payne
country improved played teams week
We had to be one of the most improved teams in the country from week one to week two if we were going to have a chance. That's the way we played today. Dan McCarney
country heads held leave
This was for Mexico, so everyone can know in our country -- everyone can know what we're doing here so we can leave here with our heads held high. Jorge Cantu
country industry runs
This whole country runs on fuel, but our industry for sure, Frank Adams
country gives opportunity tremendous weekend
This weekend gives us a tremendous opportunity to really have the country get a feel for who and what we are. Jim Clyburn
country festivals folks gone jazz pay proud
This was a very challenging year, but I'm very proud of this lineup. A lot of other jazz festivals have gone under, but not only are we alive, there are a lot of folks around the country who would pay to see this lineup.
humorists
Great humorists are great insulters. Dick Cavett