Related Quotes
funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
children education ensure enter gradually great high indiana integrated prepared quality schools shame state system
Pre-K is gradually being integrated into the K-12 education system nationwide. In a state that has so many great universities like Purdue, Indiana and Notre Dame, it's a shame (Indiana) won't do more to ensure its own children are better prepared to enter those schools with high quality pre-K. Libby Doggett
children created happy parents
Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.
children equal opportunity strongly
We feel very strongly about all children having an equal opportunity for education,
children chocolate cookie favorite nut
We got our favorite cookie and our favorite chocolate and our favorite nut mix. And then we got suckers to make our children happy.
children gave home kids large raising routines stayed together women
We go to college, live together or marry, and have kids - often with little more thought to the daily routines of raising children than our grandparents gave them, when women by and large stayed at home. Mona Simpson
children excited great
We're very excited about this. This is a great thing for the children.
children protect themselves
Very young children can just not protect themselves as effectively as adults can.
children stupid easy
It's easy to manipulate your children when they're absolutely sure you're stupid. Orson Scott Card
children disservice learn respect sacrifices time
You do your children a disservice if you don't find time for yourself. If you're always making sacrifices for them, they won't learn to respect your time as they grow.
humorists
Great humorists are great insulters. Dick Cavett