Famous Quotes & Sayings

Rodney Dangerfield

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

Rodney Dangerfield

I was a poster child... for birth control!

Rodney Dangerfield

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

Rodney Dangerfield

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

Rodney Dangerfield

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

Rodney Dangerfield

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

Rodney Dangerfield

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

Rodney Dangerfield

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

Rodney Dangerfield

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

Rodney Dangerfield

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

Rodney Dangerfield

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

Rodney Dangerfield

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Rodney Dangerfield

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Rodney Dangerfield

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Rodney Dangerfield

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Rodney Dangerfield

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

Rodney Dangerfield

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.