Famous Quotes & Sayings

Fred Allen

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.

Fred Allen

She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.

Fred Allen

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.

Fred Allen

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

Fred Allen

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

Fred Allen

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

Fred Allen

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

Fred Allen

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

Fred Allen

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

Fred Allen

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

Fred Allen

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Fred Allen

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Fred Allen

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Fred Allen

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

Fred Allen

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Fred Allen

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

Fred Allen

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

Fred Allen

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

Fred Allen

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

Fred Allen

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

Fred Allen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Frank Carson

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

Frank Carson

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Frank Carson

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

Frank Carson

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

Frank Carson

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

Frank Carson

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

Frank Carson

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

Frank Carson

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

Frank Carson

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

Frank Carson

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

Frank Carson

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

Frank Carson

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"