Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Biercewas an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce"...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionNovelist
Date of Birth24 June 1842
CityMeighs County, OH
CountryUnited States of America
PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite so good as that of a Cheyenne.
Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
Work: a dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing.
Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, otherwise known as Normal American. Most of the public buildings of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a brick.
Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.
optimism, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with disproof - an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.