Famous Quotes & Sayings

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, ""Dust to dust,"" some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, ""I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun.

Percy Bysshe Shelley

Though we eat little flesh and drink no wine, Yet let's be merry; we'll have tea and toast; Custards for supper, and an endless host Of syllabubs and jellies and mince-pies, And other such ladylike luxuries

David Eagleman

Humans have discovered that they cannot stop Death, but at least they can spit in his drink.

Angie Ridings

When you first get sober, drinking is all you can think about.

Linda McGlade

We thought that everything was OK. She was talking and drinking and eating.

Anthony Jeselnik

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

Ann Brashares

There are two kinds of people in this world. The kind who divide the world into two kinds of people and those who don't.

Ann Brashares

When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes

Andy Borowitz

The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.

Andy Borowitz

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

Andy Borowitz

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.

Andy Borowitz

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

Andy Borowitz

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

Andy Borowitz

Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.

Corin Nemec

I got to do a whole slew of TV movies playing the bad guy, including an episode of Smallville. That would never have happened if I hadn't done the Stand.

Amanda Seyfried

I'm never going to be with a guy that can't deal with my friendship with him.

Andrew Vachss

Camouflage doesn't help when the other guy is willing to defoliate the whole jungle.

Ricky Jay

I never talk much about my family, but my grandfather was friendly with these guys, with magicians and ventriloquists on the highest levels, and I was just interested.

Tom Petty

I'm not exactly a guy who makes new friends easily.

Tiger Woods

There are guys on Tour who hit the ball further than me. I always thought it was important to have power, but more important to have power in reserve.

Steven Wright

I thought I would be a guy on the radio.

Steven Wright

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

Steven Wright

One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

Bobby Cox

He looked like a 20-game winner today. He really did. He can't pitch any better than he did today.

Phil Garner

We send them (Marlins) out of town with no change. After those first two games, it looked bleak.