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funny beautiful baby
Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating. Doug Stanhope
funny clueless humor
At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless. Doug Stanhope
funny believe humor
If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt? Doug Stanhope
funny running sex
Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do. Doug Stanhope
funny family food
Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner. Douglas Adams
funny sports football
Football is not a contact sport. Its a collision sport Duffy Daugherty
funny humor minutes
Yes, about ten minutes. Duke of Wellington
funny mothers-day mom
A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary. Dorothy Canfield Fisher
funny errors precision
Be precise. A lack of precision is dangerous when the margin of error is small. Donald Rumsfeld
mom kids working-parents
Parents may be always working, parents may be in and out. When you're dropping them off with coaches, the first thing kids should be coming back and saying is, 'Mom, guess what I learned today? Guess what coach taught me today?' Ray Lewis
mom school people
So what if I don't learn algebra?' 'Someday schools will be open again,' Mom said. 'Things will be normal. You need to do your work now for when that happens.' 'That's never going to happen,' Jon said. 'And even if schools do open up somewhere, they're not going to open up here. There aren't enough people left.' 'We don't know how many people are like us, holed up, making do until times get better.' 'I bet whoever they are, they aren't studying algebra,' Jon said. Susan Beth Pfeffer
mom children men
...when I came back, I found Mom sobbing at the kitchen table...Then I asked her what had happened. 'Nothing,'she said. 'I was thinking about that man...I started thinking about...if he and his wife and their other child are okay, and I don't know. It just got to me.' 'I know,' I said, because I did know. Sometimes it's safer to cry about people you don't know than to think about people you really love. Susan Beth Pfeffer
mom dog art
I met Keith Haring at SVA college where he was having an art show, later we had a group art show at the Mud Club in NYC. Keith owed me $50, so he gave me a large framed canvas with barking dogs that had large dicks. I painted over Keith's painting to paint flowers for my mom's living room. Steve Kaufman
mom dream hero
My mom is my hero. [She] inspired me to dream when I was a kid, so anytime anyone inspires you to dream, that's gotta be your hero. Tim McGraw
mom careers opera
My mom was an opera singer, and she gave up her career to raise a family. But she also taught my sisters how to sing. Tika Sumpter
mom levers welcome
I grew up in a family of Republicans. And when I was 18 and registering to vote, my mom's only instruction was 'You just go in and pull the big Republican lever.' That's my welcome to adulthood. She's like, 'No, don't even read it. Just pull the Republican lever. Tina Fey
mom mother apples
If you sent me to cover a pie-baking contest on Mother's Day, I'm going to ask dear old Mom why she used artificial sweetener or stole the apples! Sam Donaldson
mom responsibility baby-boy
A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. Ronald Knox
growing-up white america
Growing up in America, I never really appreciated my culture. I knew what being Hispanic was, but I thought that since I didn't look Hispanic, I was white. Demi Lovato
growing-up children thinking
We think the purpose of a child is to grow up because it does grow up. But its purpose is to play, to enjoy itself, to be a child. If we merely look to the end of the process, the purpose of life is death Alexander Herzen
growing-up people negative
You can't break poor people mentality. Once you grow up poor, you don't take anything for granted. It can have the negative side also because you can never truly be relaxed. Will Smith
growing-up kids sarcasm
You listen to any monologue on late-night TV or just in general, to people talking, and there's always a joke at someone's expense. It's sarcasm; it's nasty. Kids grow up hearing that, and they think that's what humor is, and they think it's OK. But that negativity permeates the entire planet. Ellen DeGeneres
growing-up fun crazy
I attempt to be who I am and it's fun. At the same time, growing up doing what I'm doing can be a little crazy. Selena Gomez
growing-up bears watches
Charles Barkley, I used to watch him growing up. Then I met him. He was a big teddy bear. Shannon Miller
growing-up silly mean
You know, you grow up with the image of John Travolta being super cool - 'Saturday Night Fever,' Brian De Palma, handsome young god... he, in reality, is a very silly man. And I mean that in a good way. He'll walk around the set talking in little weird voices, making people laugh. Eric Stoltz
growing-up party home
For me growing up, I've found that I don't really go out and party and I don't hang out - when I come home and I'm home, I'm a pretty chilled person. Hayley Williams
growing-up car guy
I like the guy who reads. Being articulate is something that's very important to me. But you need to know how to chop wood and fix a car and do guy things. I didn't grow up with spectators. Nobody was a spectator. Hilarie Burton