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funny technology people
I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one. Andy Borowitz
funny humor snow
Not until I came to Canada did I realize that snow was a four-letter word. Alberto Manguel
funny humorous life-sucks
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell. Aldous Huxley
funny life men
I always say, 'Man, the Creator is preparing me for something. He's keeping the sun on me for some reason. He's keeping me aligned with that generation.' Because I genuinely love people, I love hip-hop, and I love using it as a tool to communicate and to create a better vibration. Life is short. I guess I'm lined up for a reason. Doug E. Fresh
funny humor band
Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake. Dylan Moran
funny humor opening-up
As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces. Doug Stanhope
funny humor trying
I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic. Doug Stanhope
funny humor alcohol
They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point. Doug Stanhope
funny cancer humor
All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need! Doug Stanhope
mom real yoga
My mom lived on an ashram on the early eighties. She turned me on to kundalini yoga and chanting and Transcendental Meditation. That was the first time I ever knew real peace. Taylor Dane
mom father teaching
Mom, thank you. Mr. Palmer, my father I never had, thank you for teaching me what it is to be a man. Ray Rice
mom kids working-parents
Parents may be always working, parents may be in and out. When you're dropping them off with coaches, the first thing kids should be coming back and saying is, 'Mom, guess what I learned today? Guess what coach taught me today?' Ray Lewis
mom night tvs
I know my mom said as early as she can remember letting me watch TV, my one treat a week when I was like 6 was to stay up and watch 'Saturday Night Live.' Rashida Jones
mom growing-up teaching
Growing up, I was utterly oblivious to the fact that Mom was teaching me all that. But I was instantly aware of her final lesson, which was hidden in her notes and leters. As I read them I began to understand that in the end you are the only one who can make yourself happy. More important, Mom showed me that it is never too late to find out how to do it. Ruth Reichl
mom hurt children
My children, Michael and Alex, are with our Heavenly Father now, and I know that they will never be hurt again. As a mom, that means more than words could ever say Susan Smith
mom home anxiety
When I left home, I was going to ride around a little while and then go to my mom's. As I rode and rode and rode, I felt even more anxiety coming upon me about not wanting to live Susan Smith
mom children growing-up
I felt I couldn't be a good mom anymore, but I didn't want my children to grow up without a mom. I felt I had to end our lives to protect us from any grief or harm Susan Smith
mom trying news
Maybe I'm wrong," Mom said. "Maybe the world really is coming to an end." "Should I try Fox News?" I asked. Mom shuddered. "We're not that desperate," she said. Susan Beth Pfeffer
growing-up white america
Growing up in America, I never really appreciated my culture. I knew what being Hispanic was, but I thought that since I didn't look Hispanic, I was white. Demi Lovato
growing-up children thinking
We think the purpose of a child is to grow up because it does grow up. But its purpose is to play, to enjoy itself, to be a child. If we merely look to the end of the process, the purpose of life is death Alexander Herzen
growing-up people negative
You can't break poor people mentality. Once you grow up poor, you don't take anything for granted. It can have the negative side also because you can never truly be relaxed. Will Smith
growing-up kids sarcasm
You listen to any monologue on late-night TV or just in general, to people talking, and there's always a joke at someone's expense. It's sarcasm; it's nasty. Kids grow up hearing that, and they think that's what humor is, and they think it's OK. But that negativity permeates the entire planet. Ellen DeGeneres
growing-up consistency comedy
Its consistency of what comedy can do and what comedy can be.Growing up with that show [The Simpsons] shaped my worldview. Eric Andre
growing-up
I just grew up with it [The Simpsons]. The first season came on when I was 5, 6 years old, and the show evolved as I was growing up and got funnier and funnier and, by the time I was in 12th grade, they were at their funniest. Eric Andre
growing-up world growing
We both have a lot of growing-up to do... A lot of the world to see & figure out on our own." -- Leo Emily Giffin
growing-up makeup paris
Growing up on stage, I was introduced to makeup at a young age and I will never forget the first time I tried on a L'Oreal Paris iconic lipstick - it was instant glamour and I've been hooked ever since. Lea Michele
growing-up father airplane
My father modestly referred to himself as the Great Santini when we were growing up. And he took it - I later learned he had seen a high-wire aerialist when he was a boy, and he was up doing acrobatics in his airplane, and when he came down one time - when was a young lieutenant - he said, I was better than the Great Santini today. And some of the other pilots heard it, and the nickname stuck. Terry Gross