Famous Quotes & Sayings

Allan Sherman

Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage.

Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

Anthony Jeselnik

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

Anthony Jeselnik

Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

Anthony Jeselnik

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

Anthony Jeselnik

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

Anthony Jeselnik

My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.

Anthony Jeselnik

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

Anthony Jeselnik

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

Joby Scroggs

We knew going in that they were going to zero in on Kevin, who still had 115 yards in the game. Now, we've got another weapon - teams have to prepare even harder.

Chuck Tursky

I knew it was going to be a tight match. We needed every point.

C.C. Sabathia

I knew I hadn't pitched out of the stretch, but I wasn't thinking about a no-hitter.

Michael Oster

I knew I didn't want to do that forever. I was 26 years old and needed something different, an unusual challenge. So I moved to Western Europe.

Chris Hernandez

I knew I didn't have much time, that I had to take a step and let it go.

Deirdre O'Kane

I knew I couldn't do what Eddie Izzard does, so I just tried to write some stories that were based, or partly based, on my own experiences.

Cilla Black

I knew I could do anything I wanted to do and go anywhere I wanted to go and not have to worry if I could afford it.

Chuck Darby

I knew he was special from the first day when he took over the huddle. The huddle, that?s the linebacker?s house.

Elliott Ambrose

I knew he was going to get some time, but man. That's a long time.