Famous Quotes & Sayings

Jarome Iginla

That one wasn't so funny because he got hurt.

Benjamin Disraeli

When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken.

Demetri Martin

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

Demetri Martin

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

Damon Runyon

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

Meg Mallon

Betsy King has been retiring for 25 years. It's funny when golfers say that. When you start thinking about what else you can do, you realize there's nothing better than what we do.

Joe Viterelli

Everything is so funny in the movie. The funniest thing about the movie is the transformations they were able to make with the characters.

Randy Winn

Even more so -- and it's genuine. He's always laughing, telling stories. He's pretty funny.

Adam McKay

If you do a Western that's funny, there's no way people don't call it a spoof or a parody, even though it may not be.

Al Capone

Vote early and vote often.

Donald Barthelme

HENRY: Now it is necessary to court her, and win her, and put on this clean dressing gown, and cut my various nails, and drink something that will kill the millions of germs in my mouth, and say something flattering, and be witty and bonny, and hale and kinky, all just to ease this wrinkle in the groin. It seems a high price.

Tom Stoppard

The days of the digital watch are numbered.

Tom Stoppard

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Tina Fey

Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.

Francis Bacon

Lukewarm persons think they may accommodate points of religion by middle ways and witty reconcilements,--as if they would make an arbitrament between God and man.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes.

George W. Bush

I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave -- with all five fingers -- for their hospitality.

George W. Bush

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Chuck Norris

Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.

Thomas Reed

One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted.

Suzanne Collins

No. Now, shut up and eat your pears.

George Mikes

If it is gay, ribald and lascivious night-life you are after, Israel is not the place for you. The night clubs you do find are nearer in spirit to a YMCA than to dens of iniquity.

Jeff Gordon

I'm not a robot; I have a personality and I have emotions. I have a humorous side to me and an angry side to me.

Samuel Goldwyn

Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

Dave Barry

The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form.

Dave Barry

Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: Hey! Wood heat! The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up.

Dave Barry

There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: passive systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and active systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.