Famous Quotes & Sayings

Jarome Iginla

That one wasn't so funny because he got hurt.

Benjamin Disraeli

When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken.

Demetri Martin

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

Demetri Martin

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

Damon Runyon

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

Coco Chanel

Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.

Bob Edwards

When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.

Billy Connolly

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

Billy Connolly

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Al Capone

Vote early and vote often.

Donald Barthelme

HENRY: Now it is necessary to court her, and win her, and put on this clean dressing gown, and cut my various nails, and drink something that will kill the millions of germs in my mouth, and say something flattering, and be witty and bonny, and hale and kinky, all just to ease this wrinkle in the groin. It seems a high price.

Tom Stoppard

The days of the digital watch are numbered.

Tom Stoppard

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Tina Fey

Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.

Miguel de Cervantes

Poesy is a beauteous damsel, chaste, honourable, discreet, witty, retired, and who keeps herself within the limits of propriety. She is a friend of solitude; fountains entertain her, meadows console her, woods free her from ennui, flowers delight her; in short, she gives pleasure and instruction to all with whom she communicates.

John Waters

If you think someone's trying too hard, that's the worst thing they can do. To me, it's just desperate, never funny and never witty. It's kind of really old hat because just being shocking isn't enough. It has to change how you think about something. It has to startle you. It has to make you look at something and reconsider whether you're right. That's the whole point.

John von Neumann

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

John Simm

Twitter has restored my faith in humanity. I thought I'd hate it, but while there are lots of knobheads, there are even more lovely people. It delights me how witty and friendly most people are.

Chuck Norris

Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.

Thomas Reed

One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted.

Suzanne Collins

No. Now, shut up and eat your pears.

George Mikes

If it is gay, ribald and lascivious night-life you are after, Israel is not the place for you. The night clubs you do find are nearer in spirit to a YMCA than to dens of iniquity.

Jeff Gordon

I'm not a robot; I have a personality and I have emotions. I have a humorous side to me and an angry side to me.

Wayne Dyer

I am realistic – I expect miracles.

Samuel Goldwyn

Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

Yakov Smirnoff

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.

Jennifer Jones

If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.