Famous Quotes & Sayings

Baruch Spinoza

He who seeks equality between unequals seeks an absurdity.

Oliver Goldsmith

Every absurdity has a champion to defend it, for error is always talkative

Kurt Braunohler

I was writing this really long joke about the smell of poop, and I was like, 'What am I doing with my life?' I started to think about why I was a comedian, and then I came up with a reason for existence, which is: inserting absurdity or stupidity into strangers' lives in order to make the world a better place.

T. J. Miller

Funny is as funny does, and funny puts on a walrus mask and slowly gyrates in a mall food court. I laugh at absurdity hardest, then stories, then observations, then bearded men on roller skates.

Elfriede Jelinek

was made into an award-winning film, ''for her musical flow of voices and countervoices in novels and plays that with extraordinary linguistic zeal reveal the absurdity of society's cliches and their subjugating power.

Phyllis Diller

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.

Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

Rachel Cohn

When in doubt, ingest carbs.

Rabindranath Tagore

We manage to swallow flesh, only because we do not think of the cruel and sinful thing we do.

Pythagoras

Salt is born of the purest parents: the sun and the sea.

Joss Whedon

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

There are only ten minutes in the life of a pear when it is perfect to eat.

P. C. Cast

He was chugging brown pop from a can Jack had handed him while he stuffed nacho cheese Doritos in his face. I was glad to see he looked lots better, almost completely like himself, which proves Doritos and brown pop really are health foods.

Lucy Maud Montgomery

Cakes have such a terrible habit of turning out bad just when you especially want them to be good.

Adam Ferrara

I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'

Adam Ferrara

If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'

Adam Ferrara

You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, 'Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?' 'Just to p-s you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.'

Adam Ferrara

As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...'

Adam Carolla

I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.

Adam Carolla

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

Adam Carolla

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.

Adam Carolla

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

Adam Carolla

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

Lao Tzu

As soon as you have made a thought, laugh at it.

Alfred Jarry

Laughter is born out of the discovery of the contradictory.

Catullus

Nothing is more silly than silly laughter.

Alan King

Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it's hard to turn away. Then, of course, you're hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.

Baruch Spinoza

Men would never be superstitious, if they could govern all their circumstances by set rules, or if they were always favoured by fortune: but being frequently driven into straits where rules are useless, and being often kept fluctuating pitiably between hope and fear by the uncertainty of fortune's greedily coveted favours, they are consequently for the most part, very prone to credulity.

Augustus Hare

The greatest truths are the simplest, and so are the greatest men.

Ayn Rand

And man will go on. Man, not men.

Calvin Coolidge

That man has offered me unsolicited advice for six years, most of it bad.

Richard G. Scott

The seminary programs will help you as a young man or woman to lay a foundation for happiness and success in life.

Sydney Smith

A man who wishes to make his way in life could do no better than go through the world with a boiling tea-kettle in his hand.

Pete Johnson

We've got 10 men working on the Discovery, but we could use six more.

John le Carre

Writers are two-home men - they want a place outside and a place within.

Henry David Thoreau

A town is saved, not more by the righteous men in it than by the woods and swamps that surround it

Eugene White

Every day we wait puts our students at a disadvantage.