Related Quotes
funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
next past reach waiting wonderful
It's a very young industry, and over the past two years it has done wonderful things, but I'm waiting for it to reach the next step. Will Stofega
next production ramp running volume year
It's back running production volume and over the next year that will ramp up.
next trading wireless year
It's a year 2000 event. This year it's wireless trading and after-hours trading. Next year it'll be the computerized advice, customized service.
next rolling touring
I never, ever wanted to be the Rolling Stones. Bless their hearts, but I don't necessarily want to go on doing the same old thing for the next 10, 20 years... I could see how easy it is to get into that rut, the whole touring mindset. Paul Weller
next
We probably have to take it into consideration for our next step.
next plan rebuilding success year
We practically have a whole new team, so this is a rebuilding year. We plan to have some success here next year and the year after that, definitely. Chris Houston
next
I can't do a one-camera show. I don't know how to do that kind of show where you count in your head and then you do the next line. Bob Newhart
next done next-time
When a thing's done, it's done, and if it's not done right, do it differently next time. Arthur Ransome
next performance sequels stock store
The performance of the stock is going to come down to the movies. It's that simple. And there are no sequels in store for next year.