Famous Quotes & Sayings

Daniel Tosh

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

Daniel Tosh

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

Daniel Tosh

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Dane Cook

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

Dane Cook

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

Dane Cook

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

Dane Cook

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

Dane Cook

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

Daley Thompson

Los Angeles was great fun because it was the polar opposite of Moscow in 1980. It was sunny and bright, lots of colours around, whereas Moscow was dark and oppressive.

Cyndi Lauper

If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final.

Craig Brewer

I think that there's a particular type of person who goes into children's theater, and then goes into theater in high school. There was something about the guys I knew in theater, we were all very vulnerable. You could tell that at some point we were made fun of.

Courtney Thorne-Smith

I love kids; I think they are fun and funny.

David Byrne

My opinion is that somebody certainly has the right to do cartoons that make fun of somebody else's religion. But to reprint them just to provoke a fight and just to provoke it like thumbing your nose at someone else and going, "What are you gonna do about it?

David Byrne

I try to devote my afternoons to making music in my home studio, but it's a lot more fun hanging out with musicians and friends, and trying subtly to influence a band than making your own stuff.

Dave Lombardo

At the moment I have my family coming out with me on the road. We have our own vehicle and its more like a family vacation. I just stop, do some gigs, and take off. Its a lot more fun now with the family.

Dave Hickey

...There are issues worth advancing in images worth admiring; and the truth is never "plain," nor appearances ever "sincere." To try to make them so is to neutralize the primary, gorgeous eccentricity of imagery in Western culture since the Reformation: the fact that it cannot be trusted, that imagery is always presumed to be proposing something contestable and controversial. This is the sheer, ebullient, slithering, dangerous fun of it. No image is presumed inviolable in our dance hall of visual politics, and all images are potentially powerful.

Darrell Hammond

It can't have been fun to live with somebody whose brain was under siege.

Dave Eggers

Maybe he hadn't thought the war through. It had seemed like simple fun when he had first pictured it, with a glorious beginning, a difficult but valor-filled middle, and a victorious end. He hadn't accounted for the fact that there might not be much of a resolution to the battle, and he hadn't imagined what it would feel like when the war just sort of ended, without anyone admitting defeat and congratulating him for his bravery.

David Lee Roth

The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train.

David Lee Roth

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

David Letterman

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.

David Letterman

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

David Letterman

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."

David Letterman

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

David Letterman

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

David Letterman

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

David Letterman

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

David Letterman

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

David Letterman

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

David Letterman

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

David Letterman

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

David Letterman

Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.

David Letterman

They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat!