Famous Quotes & Sayings

We only get funding if the student is there.

We picked a hardworking management team that has a lot of energy, and they are already out there working with the community. We wanted passionate, high-energy people to make a fun team and a fun atmosphere.

Ronald Knox

Only man has dignity; only man, therefore, can be funny.

Stephen Moyer

A film that I love is 'Raising Arizona' and that's funny but it's quite indie and weird and odd and quirky. I'd love to do something like that. Who knows?

Rob Thomas

It's funny: I always, as a high school teacher and particularly as a high school yearbook teacher, because yearbook staffs are 90 percent female, I got to sit in and overhear teenage girl talk for many years. I like teenage girls; I like their drama, their foibles. And I think, 'I'll be good with a teenage daughter!'

Rachel Joyce

I find that very appealing: the blurring of the lines between what's funny and what's tragic. And what's ordinary and what's not - the big things in the small things.

Julia Mancuso

We like to be fun, we like to keep it light. It was more like a fun thing than a ritual.

Mike Conley

We like some of the same schools, and maybe that's why people think that. We're not a package deal, but it would be fun to play with each other after high school.

Daniel Tosh

You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, "you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun."

Daniel Tosh

It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

Daniel Tosh

Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.'

Daniel Tosh

Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

Daniel Tosh

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

Daniel Tosh

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

Daniel Tosh

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, Hey, at least I'm not pregnant

Daniel Tosh

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

Daniel Tosh

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...

Daniel Tosh

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

Daniel Tosh

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

Daniel Tosh

I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.

Daniel Tosh

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

Daniel Tosh

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

Daniel Tosh

I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

Daniel Tosh

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

Daniel Tosh

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.

Daniel Tosh

I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'

Daniel Tosh

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

Daniel Tosh

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

Daniel Tosh

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

Daniel Tosh

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Dane Cook

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

Dane Cook

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

Dane Cook

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'