Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Biercewas an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce"...
hill identity moon professor says tribes whom
LUNARIAN, n. An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits. The Lunarians have been described by Lucian, Locke and other observers, but without much agreement. For example, Bragellos avers their anatomical identity with Man, but Professor Newcomb says they are more like the hill tribes of Vermont.
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CURSE, v.t. Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This is an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, the liability to a cursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of life insurance.
beneath found frequently gold
ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.
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HAG, n. An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes called, also, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind of baleful lumination or nimbus --hag being the popular name of that peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair. At one time hag was not a word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a ""beautiful hag, all smiles,"" much as Shakespeare said, ""sweet wench."" It would not now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag --that compliment is reserved for the use of her grandchildren.
fruit neighbors shakes statesman trees
AGITATOR, n. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors --to dislodge the worms.
nonsense
PROOF-READER, n. A malefactor who atones for making your writing nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible.
embracing enterprise formed greater opportunity
FELON, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment.
peculiar virtue
FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
influences succumb
DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.
committing escapes evils moderation
GLUTTON, n. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia.
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CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty's measures of state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were appeased.
popular vote
PLEBISCITE, n. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.
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Vote: The instrument and symbol of a free man's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
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VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's hope.""Why have you halted?"" roared the commander of a division and Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge; ""move forward, sir, at once.""""General,"" said the commander of the delinquent brigade, ""I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy.