Cynthia Heimel
Cynthia Heimel
Cynthia Heimelis a feminist humorist writer from Oakland, California. She is a columnist and the author of satirical books primarily aimed at a female readership and known for their unusual titles, as well as a playwright and television writer...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionWriter
CountryUnited States of America
dangerous
You can't take away knowledge, and it's dangerous to pretend you never had it.
silly insecure men
All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all the others.
fools-day doubt april-fools
When in doubt, make a fool of yourself.
kitchen lingerie clean
Show me a woman who is prouder of her clean kitchen than of her collection of lingerie and I'll show you a woman with enlarged pores.
friends twenties firsts
Friends are the twenty-first-century version of extended families.
fitness disco-music cable-tv
Contrary to popular cable TV-induced opinion, aerobics have nothing to do with squeezing our body into hideous shiny Spandex, grinning like a deranged orangutan, and doing cretinous steps to debauched disco music.
mom memories dad
We all have rosy memories of a simpler, happy time- a time of homemade apple pie and gingham curtains, a time when Mom understood everything and Dad could fix anything. "Let's get those traditional family values back!" we murmur to each other. Meanwhile, in a simultaneous universe, everyone I know, and every celebrity I don't know, is coming out of the closet to talk about how miserable they are because they grew up in dysfunctional families.
mom memories confused
Those rosy memories we all share are actually memories from our favorite TV shows. We've confused our own childhoods with episodes of "Ozzie and Harriet," "Father Knows Best," and "The Brady Bunch." In real life, Ozzie had a very visible mistress for years, Bud and Kitten on "Father Knows Best" grew up to become major druggies, and Mom on "The Brady Bunch" dated her fifteen-year-old fictional son.
weight excited diets
When women are excited about a date, they go immediately on a diet, because all women know they are hideously obese.
cities shopping car
Swingers are all from the suburbs and consequently brain-addled by car pools, shopping malls, and welcome wagons.
comedian comedy demon
A comedian is not funny unless he is taking his demons out for a walk.
apology makeup cosmetics
Wearing makeup is an apology for our actual faces.
acting creative gigantic idiot line thin
When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.
american-writer
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a net.