Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth24 February 1968
CitySaint Paul, MN
CountryUnited States of America
ducks bread opinion
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
want hungry shows
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
funny couple hate
I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!
funny hurt humor
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
funny brother humor
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
funny humor eye
Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
funny humor purple
When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
mcdonalds want rebellious
I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!
funny girlfriend mad
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
funny humor play
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"
funny humor mcdonalds
Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets."
funny humor tests
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."
funny depressing wall
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
funny daughter mother
People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"