Related Quotes
funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital. Anthony Jeselnik
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer. Anthony Jeselnik
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified. Anthony Jeselnik
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.' Anthony Jeselnik
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once. Anthony Jeselnik
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby. Anthony Jeselnik
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down. Anthony Jeselnik
dog cat animal
If a dog jumps into your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. Alfred North Whitehead
dog humorous may
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. Alfred Kahn
dog horse passion
He will hold thee, when his passion shall have spent its novel force, Something better than his dog, a little dearer than his horse. Alfred Lord Tennyson
dog moving heart
My dog does not care where heat comes from, but he cares that it comes, and soon. Indeed he considers my ability to make it come as something magical, for when I rise in the coal black pre-dawn and kneel by the hearth to make a fire, he pushes himself blandly between me and the kindling splits I have laid in the ashes, and I must touch a match to them by poking it between his legs. Such faith , I suppose, is the kind that moves mountains. Aldo Leopold
dog rain pet
Somewhere in the rain, there will always be an abandoned dog that prevents you from being happy. Aldous Huxley
dog years doubt
In a few years, no doubt, marriage licences will be sold like dog licences, good for 12 months. Aldous Huxley
dog atheist fear
You never see animals going through the absurd and often horrible fooleries of magic and religion. . . . Dogs do not ritually urinate in the hope of persuading heaven to do the same and send down rain. Asses do not bray a liturgy to cloudless skies. Nor do cats attempt, by abstinence from cat's meat, to wheedle the feline spirits into benevolence. Only man behaves with such gratuitous folly. It is the price he has to pay for being intelligent but not, as yet, quite intelligent enough. Aldous Huxley
dog animal men
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. Aldous Huxley
dog politics experts
Experts are just trained dogs. Albert Einstein
men religion useless
Men would never be superstitious, if they could govern all their circumstances by set rules, or if they were always favoured by fortune: but being frequently driven into straits where rules are useless, and being often kept fluctuating pitiably between hope and fear by the uncertainty of fortune's greedily coveted favours, they are consequently for the most part, very prone to credulity. Baruch Spinoza
men simplicity fame
The greatest truths are the simplest, and so are the greatest men. Augustus Hare
men goes-on prometheus
And man will go on. Man, not men. Ayn Rand
men years advice
That man has offered me unsolicited advice for six years, most of it bad. Calvin Coolidge
men happiness-and-success foundation
The seminary programs will help you as a young man or woman to lay a foundation for happiness and success in life. Richard G. Scott
men hands way-in-life
A man who wishes to make his way in life could do no better than go through the world with a boiling tea-kettle in his hand. Sydney Smith
men want fool
A man may be as much a fool from the want of sensibility as the want of sense. Anna Jameson
men courtesy he-man
The greater the man the greater the courtesy. Lord Alfred Tennyson
men nurse despair
It becomes no man to nurse despair, but, in the teeth of clenched antagonisms, to follow up the worthiest till he die. Lord Alfred Tennyson