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funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
basketball good playing saying team
I've been saying our team has been playing good basketball. We just don't have a lot to show for it. Kevin Stallings
basketball build fast football great kids sports
This is a sport where the kids that aren't big enough or fast enough for sports like football or basketball can come in and compete. It's a great way to build up a kid's confidence. Tom Barker
basketball sports past
Walking has been ridiculous in college basketball the past 15 years. Bobby Knight
basketball nba making-love
If the NBA were on channel 5 and a bunch of frogs making love were on channel 4, I'd watch the frogs, even if they were coming in fuzzy.
basketball best game last playing whoever win
Every game is important in the last 20 games; you have to win as many as you can. Whoever is playing the best basketball is going to go to the playoffs. We have to get every win we can and play well. Bobby Jackson
basketball rap people
There are some rappers out there that I listen to, that I'm like: "You are really good but you could be like the Michael Jordan of rap if you applied yourself." There's a lot of people who are better at basketball than Michael Jordan, but Michael Jordan just wanted to be Michael Jordan, more. Donald Glover
basketball team school
The biggest scandal I was ever involved in was - in high school, at a basketball game, I shot and scored for the other team. Darby Stanchfield
basketball brother team
When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds. Adam Carolla
basketball babylon difficulty
The occasion is piled high with difficulty. We must rise to the occasion. Abraham Lincoln
lying long black
A convincing demonstration of correctness being impossible as long as the mechanism is regarded as a black box, our only hope lies in not regarding the mechanism as a black box. Edsger Dijkstra
lying stuff actresses
Any actor or actress that tells you that they don't watch their stuff is lying. Amy Poehler
lying ocean sleep
Let us lie down once more by the breathing side Of Ocean, where our live forefathers sleep As if the Known Sea still were a month wide-- Atlantis howls but is no longer steep! Allen Tate
lying remember clinton
What actually happened during the Clinton presidency? No one can remember anything about it except the bimbos, the lies, and the felonies Ann Coulter
lying fighting media
Why don't Republicans spend all their airtime attacking the media for lying about what Obama's amnesty does and what the Democrats are doing? It's hard to avoid concluding that Republicans aren't trying to make the right arguments. In fact, it kind of looks like they're intentionally throwing the fight on amnesty. If a Republican majority in both houses of Congress can't stop Obama from issuing illegal immigrants Social Security cards and years of back welfare payments, there is no reason to vote Republican ever again.
lying book satan
So for those of you who haven't read any of my five best-selling books: Liberals are driven by Satan and lie constantly.
lying eye dark
I couldn't resist him, his eyes were like yours, his hair was exactly the shade of brown. He's just not as tall, but I couldn't tell, it was dark and I was lying down. Amy Winehouse
lying tales betray
A false tale often betrays itself. Aesop
lying men justice
My faith in the proposition that each man should do precisely as he pleases with all which is exclusively his own lies at the foundation of the sense of justice there is in me.