Related Quotes
funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
baseball football country
When I won the world championship, in 1972, the United States had an image of, you know, a football country, a baseball country, but nobody thought of it as an intellectual country. Bobby Fischer
baseball play republic
I learned to play (baseball) on the streets in the Dominican Republic when I was 8 yrs old. Albert Pujols
baseball trying important
I try to spend as much time as possible with God and my family. That's more important than anything I'm doing in baseball.
baseball war names
Few names have left a firmer imprint upon the pages of the history of American times than has that of Ty Cobb... he seems to have understood that in the competition of baseball, just as in war, defensive strategy never has produced ultimate victory. Douglas MacArthur
baseball fun years
I live for the Red Sox. I thoroughly enjoy them. For whatever reason, baseball has been a lot more fun for me in recent years. I loosely follow the Patriots and I root for them. I loosely follow the Celtics and then it gets to playoff time and I don't miss a game. Same with the Bruins. I'm not the diehard fan anymore. Doug Flutie
baseball games never-forget
I'll never forget the catch he made to save the game. Don Larsen
baseball games want
Baseball's still a game. I don't want it to be work. I want it to be a game. Don Mattingly
baseball character mean
Honestly, at one time I thought Babe Ruth was a cartoon character. I really did, I mean, I wasn't born until 1961, and I grew up in Indiana.
baseball new-york father
Don Baylor, New York Yankees DH, on Billy Martin and his predecessor Yogi Berra: Playing for Yogi is like playing for your father; playing for Billy is like playing for your father-in-law. Don Baylor
stupid arches conflict
The archenemy is the arch stupid! Thomas Carlyle
stupid settling idiotic
You can be stupid once, but idiotic to do it again. I'll settle for being stupid Tony La Russa
stupid thinking way
Ethnic stereotypes are boring and stressful and sometimes criminal. It's just not a good way to think. It's non-thinking. It's stupid and destructive. Tommy Lee Jones
stupid school dumb
I had no confidence at school. I was not a good student and I really thought I was pretty stupid. Just dumb. Tommy Hilfiger
stupid people want
People want a result. Immigrant voters aren't stupid, and they're going to know who's on their side. Tom Snyder
stupid cat responsibility
A cat is a responsibility after all. And feeding and keeping and caring about a stupid fat cat isn't much, isn't much in the entirety of what counts for being a person and the huge range of what people do,but it is something. It is something and it's something that's warm and that I still have. Steven Hall
stupid phones iphone
500 dollars? Fully subsidized? With a plan? I said that is the most expensive phone in the world. And it doesn't appeal to business customers because it doesn't have a keyboard. Which makes it not a very good email machine. Steve Ballmer
stupid developers
"Developers, developers, developers, developers, developers, developers, developers, developers, developers...."
stupid emotional editing
I have an adult emotional life and an editing system inside me which prevents me from being preposterously stupid. Stephen Hopkins