![You know, I use organic products, but I get [laser treatments]. It's what makes life interesting, finding the balance between cigarettes and tofu.](/assets/img/quote-photos/you-know-i-use-organic-products-but-i-get-laser-treatments-its-what-makes-l.jpg)
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funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
interesting way human-nature
Human beings are always going to find interesting ways of making a mess of their lives. It's human nature. Jack Nicholson
interesting challenges trying
You try to find things that are challenging and interesting and hopefully it will be the same to the audience. Alan Rickman
balance beside chases direct faking forest gets good hill hit lose mad man needs pool pull quiet rock screwing start talking tells toward wife
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you... 
balance lows ends
The Magicians Apprentice was about someone from the low end of society manifesting magical power and how that completely messes up the balance of the whole system. Trudi Canavan
balance important orthodoxy
It is so important to balance orthodoxy with orthopraxy. Richard Rohr
balance green checks
I eat tons of green veggies to keep my PH balance in check. Valerie Cruz
balance body heat
Cooling bodies gravitate and heat as they gravitate-heating bodies radiate, and cool as they radiate. Walter Russell
balance dividends encourage establish help income investment large pay reducing savings tax treatment
Reducing the tax individuals pay on dividends will encourage savings and investment and will help establish a better balance between the tax treatment of large corporations and that of income trusts. Ralph Goodale
balance help promote
participation would help promote a balance of viewpoints.
balance benefits best continue credit enjoyed members proud services understand union
Our members may not be able to do a balance sheet, but they understand the fundamentals. They are proud of our credit union and they want the best benefits and services to continue that they've enjoyed for 56 years.
balance china closer counter global increasing india influence japan move rapidly time
In the time to come Japan and India are going to move closer to counter balance the rapidly increasing influence of China in global politics.