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funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
philosophy priorities substance
Philosophy is the science of estimating values. The superiority of any state or substance over another is determined by philosophy. By assigning a position of primary importance to what remains when all that is secondary has been removed, philosophy thus becomes the true index of priority or emphasis in the realm of speculative thought. Manly Hall
philosophy passion men
The falsest of all philosophies is that which, under the pretext of delivering men from the embarrassment of their passions, counsels idleness and the abandonment and neglect of themselves. Luc de Clapiers
philosophy philosopher sincerity
Clearness marks the sincerity of philosophers.
philosophy atheism causes
In good philosophy, the word cause ought to be reserved to the single Divine impulse that has formed the universe. Louis Pasteur
philosophy laughing sublime
Posterity will one day laugh at the sublime foolishness of the modern materialistic philosophy. The more I study nature, the more I stand amazed at the work of the Creator. I pray while I am engaged at my work in the laboratory.
philosophy philosopher truth-is
Truth is the object of philosophy, but not always of philosophers. John Churton Collins
philosophy confusion people
People look for morals in fiction because there has always been a confusion between fiction and philosophy. John Cheever
philosophy government libertarian
Maybe it's my libertarian philosophy: but being in government is hard. John Bolton
philosophy government people
My philosophy is not a bean-counting, accounting 'look at this.' It is a philosophy that smaller government is better government, and government that is closer to the people is best of all.
food character order
America is a land of healthy appetites. It is not in the American character to live in order to eat. Rather, the reverse is true. Many try, but just as Americans don't make good gigolos, nether do they make good gourmets. Ludwig Bemelmans
food habitat ideal natural shelter sustain water
This habitat is ideal for them. There's enough food, shelter and water to sustain a natural population. Tim Conway
food
Where's my food? When is it coming? What did I order, anyway? Lawrence Tierney
food house impart matched slow smells spread warmth
The smells of slow cooking spread around the house and impart a unique warmth matched only by the flavour of the food. Yotam Ottolenghi
food
I don't like French food. I like everything but French food. Emmanuelle Seigner
food teaching blind
An Englishman teaching an American about food is like the blind leading the one-eyed. A. J. Liebling
food plentiful rationing supply sweets time
In the 1950s, as food rationing ended, I remember a plentiful supply of sweets for the first time. Robert Powell
food particular
I don't avoid any particular food. But I don't eat too much. Robert Budi Hartono
food decision tables
Food was celebration, conversation, and nourishment. The table is where the big decisions of the family are made and all the arguing takes place. Adriana Trigiani