Related Quotes
funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
humorists
Great humorists are great insulters. Dick Cavett
talking people records
You can't just walk away when somebody recognizes you. You have to take some time out and talk to them. It's not a waste of time - I just love talking to people. And I don't do this to sell records. The truth is, I do what I do because I love it. Kenny G
talking two dating
San Bernardino involved two killers were actually radicalized before they started courting or dating each other online, and online as late as - as early as the end of 2013, they were talking to each other about jihad and martyrdom before they became engaged and then married and lived together in the United States. Keith Ellison
talking tree together
All of nature talks to me - if I could just figure out what it's saying - trees are swinging in the breeze. They're talking to me. Insects are rubbing their legs together. They're all talking. They're talking to me. Laurie Anderson
talking ice soldier
Tatiana...you and I had only one moment..." said Alexander. "A single moment in time, in your time and mine...one instant, when another life could have still been possible." He kissed her lips. "Do you know what I'm talking about?" When Tatiana looked up from her ice cream, she saw a soldier staring at her from across the street. "I know that moment," whispered Tatiana. Paullina Simons
talking time
They're so crispy. You're talking a long time ago here. Ann Gard
talking people film
Hitchcock denigrated American films, saying they were all 'pictures of people talking' - as, indeed, most of them are. David Mamet
talking
To my wife, I'm not Herbie Hancock the musician. I'm her husband. When I'm talking to a neighbor, I'm a neighbor. When I vote, I'm a citizen. Herbie Hancock
talking negative stabbing
All talking is good, negative and positive. Stabbing is bad; talking is good. Louis C. K.
talking people thought-provoking
People talking without speaking,/ People listening without hearing...Sounds of Silence. Paul Simon