Related Quotes
funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
christian spring blood
I thought I could have leaped from earth to heaven at one spring when I first saw my sins drowned in the Redeemer's blood. Charles Spurgeon
christian prayer religion
Prayer is the core of the day. Take prayer out, and the day would collapse ... Amy Carmichael
christian heart men
What the world expects of Christians is that Christians should speak out, loud and clear... in such a way that never a doubt, never the slightest doubt, could rise in the heart of the simplest man. Albert Camus
christian heart years
The Christians and Jews can live side by side with the Muslims, as they did in the heart of Europe for over 800 years in Andalusia. Anjem Choudary
christian men swings
Women should not be penalized for being women. Equally, men should not be penalized for being men. I fear that in overly politically correct western Christian democracies, the latter is occurring. It should not be forgotten that nature will correct the pendulum, so that is does not swing too far either way. Robert Black
christian gay men
My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share. Rita Mae Brown
christian cutting rotten
The weakest believer is a member of Christ as well as the strongest; and the weakest member of the body mystically shall not perish. Christ will cut off rotten members, but not weak members. Richard Watson
christian government two
Hezbollah and the government are only two of 18 political factions in Lebanon, most of them armed. There are militant Christian groups, Palestinian radicals, al-Qaida, Druze militias and even armed bands of Marxists still operating in Lebanon. Richard Engel
christian religious believe
As to the Christian system of faith, it appears to me as a species of Atheism — a sort of religious denial of God. It professes to believe in a man rather than in God. It is a compound made up chiefly of Manism with but little Deism, and is as near to Atheism as twilight is to darkness. It introduces between man and his Maker an opaque body, which it calls a Redeemer, as the moon introduces her opaque self between the earth and the sun, and it produces by this means a religious, or an irreligious, eclipse of light. It has put the whole orbit of reason into shade. Thomas Paine
mistake kissing kissing-someone
kissing someone out of pity is always a mistake. Barbara Mertz
mistake years mad
When you're too mad and too rattled to see straight, you're bound to make mistakes. You can't go on and on for years being miserable about a situation and not have it change you. You get so you can't stand yourself. Lucille Ball
mistake creative may
While you're being creative, nothing is wrong. There's no such thing as a mistake, and any drivel may lead to the breakthrough. John Cleese
mistake made
I'm paying for a mistake I made Luis Suarez
mistake people attention
[People] feel Washington doesn't understand their lives anymore, and they feel that even though Donald Trump might make a mistake with what he says from time to time, they see that as authenticity and maybe somebody who will truly pay attention to them, because they feel ignored. John Brabender
mistake government voice
But make no mistake, the President will find in our new majority the voice of the American people as they've expressed it tonight: standing on principle, checking Washington's power and leading the drive for a smaller, less costly, and more accountable government. John Boehner
mistake people trouble
People are disposed to mistake predicting troubles for causing troubles and even for desiring troubles. Enoch Powell
mistake people common
The most common mistakes are showing people your product- don't show them your product, it's sort of like telling them bout a feature. Emmett Shear
mistake thinking talking
The other mistake I think people make is talking to who's available rather than talking to who they need to talk to.