Related Quotes
funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
real mean talking
I don't really hashtag things. Unless I'm talking to somebody and I'm being funny and I say something mean but then I'm like, Hashtag...something that's funny. I like to only hashtag funny things, not real stuff. Bella Thorne
reality yesterday promise
Today is a reality, tomorrow's a promise, and yesterday's history! Billy Blanks
real fall order
I am convinced that 1941 will be the crucial year of a great New Order in Europe. The world shall open up for everyone. Privileges for individuals, the tyranny of certain nations and their financial rulers shall fall. And last of all this year will help to provide the foundations of a real understanding among peoples, and with it the certainty of conciliation among nations. . . . Those nations who are still opposed to us will some day recognize the greater enemy within. Then they will join us in a combined front, a front against Jewish exploitation and racial degeneration. Adolf Hitler
real fighting thinking
You've got your whole life to do something, And that's not very long. So why don't you give me a call When you're willing to fight For what you think is real, For what you think is right. Ani Difranco
real may critics
The only real evidence that any critic may bring before his gaze is the finished poem. Allen Tate
real want saint
I want to be a saint, a real saint while I am young, for there is so much work to do. Allen Ginsberg
real father firsts
When I was 12 and met my real father for the first time, I was terrified I would lose the one I already had. Allegra Huston
real war nice
You can watch a little bit of war from your nice living room - 30 seconds of what's going on in Syria - and when you've had enough, switch over to some celebrity programme. We live our life through screens and images in this way, and we don't know what is real or fake anymore. It doesn't matter. Alison Jackson
real size delusion
It took the real thing to show you the size of your delusions. Ann Brashares
humorists
Great humorists are great insulters. Dick Cavett