Related Quotes
funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
women equality history
Until we get equality in education, we won't have an equal society. Sonia Sotomayor
women
Women have every right; they just have to excercise them. Victoria Woodhull
women people understanding
My understanding of Twitter was that it was a bunch of famous people telling you when they're going to the bathroom. And, that was not something I wanted to be part of. Kerry Washington
women insult contraceptives
Contraceptives are an insult to womanhood. Mahatma Gandhi
women believe sacrifice
For the courage of self-sacrifice, woman is any time superior to man, as I believe man is to woman for the courage of the brute.
women lying exercise
My quarrel with the advocates of contraceptives lies in their taking for granted that ordinary mortals cannot exercise self-control.
women may men-women
I am the only one, whom you may find it hard to get rid of, for I have always counted myself as a woman.
women parent matter
Marriage must cease to be a matter of arrangement made by parents for money.
women men comfort
Marriage is not an act of services. It is a comfort man or woman seeks for himself or herself.
firsts wonder fit
First wonder goes deepest; wonder after that fits in the impression made by the first. Yann Martel
firsts film lowest
I got paid 20 grand for my first film. And that's the lowest I ever got paid. Jonathan Rhys Meyers
firsts remember film
The first film I remember seeing was Bambi. It has stayed with me because it was so sad. Julia Gillard
firsts scripts lord
The Lord Chamberlin was censoring scripts when I first came into the theater. Judi Dench
firsts here-and-there naked
When I first started, I wasn't really into movies that much unless it was an action-packed gunslinger with naked women here and there. Josh Duhamel
firsts sticks bumps
With marriage, you've just got to stick it out. You can't jump off the boat at the first bump in the waves. Ozzy Osbourne
firsts letdowns sequels
There's nothing worse than the sequel that's a letdown from the first movie. Paul Feig
firsts foxes tvs
When The Simpsons came around, there really was nothing else like it on TV. It's hard to imagine, but when Fox first took the plunge with it, it was considered controversial to put animation on prime time. Matt Groening
firsts lucky film
I was lucky with my first film because it had Warhol in it. That was the selling point. Mary Harron