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funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
motivational mistake sitting
The individual who is mistake-free is also probably sitting around doing nothing. And that is a very big mistake. John Wooden
motivational spiritual appreciation
When practiced to its fullest, mindful eating turns a simple meal into a spiritual experience, giving us a deep appreciation of all that went into the meal's creation as well a deep understanding of the relationship between the food on our table, our own health, and our planet's health. Nhat Hanh
motivational running baseball
You start chasing a ball and your brain immediately commands your body to 'Run forward, bend, scoop up the ball, peg it to the infield,' then your body says, 'Who me?' Joe DiMaggio
motivational confidence self-esteem
When you're different, sometimes you don't see the millions of people who accept you for what you are. All you notice is the person who doesn't. Jodi Picoult
motivational athlete chance
You never know what can happen. I feel like I have a pretty good chance, but you never know. Carly Patterson
motivational prayer thinking
Prayer is not asking for what you think you want, but asking to be changed in ways you can't imagine. Kathleen Norris
motivational recovery new-beginnings
Wherever you are is always the right place. There is never a need to fix anything, to hitch up the bootstraps of the soul and start at some higher place. Start right where you are. Julia Cameron
motivational fire deities
There is a deity within us who breathes that divine fire by which we are animated. Ovid
motivational dance song
Dance is a song of the body. Either of joy or pain. Martha Graham
catholic ugly spirit
This is the same notion - Catholic exorcism, psychotherapy, shamanistic practices - getting to the moment when whatever it was gained access. And also to the name of the spirit. Just to know that it's the Ugly Spirit. That's a great step. Because the spirit doesn't want its name to be known. Allen Ginsberg
cat matter difficult
The naming of cats is a difficult matter T. S. Eliot
cat names pie
Before a Cat will condescend To treat you as a trusted friend, Some little token of esteem Is needed, like a dish of cream; And you might now and then supply Some caviare, or Strassburg Pie, Some potted grouse, or salmon paste — He's sure to have his personal taste. (I know a Cat, who makes a habit Of eating nothing else but rabbit, And when he's finished, licks his paws So's not to waste the onion sauce.) A Cat's entitled to expect These evidences of respect. And so in time you reach your aim, And finally call him by his name.
cat speak
With cats, some say, one rule is true: Don't speak till you are spoken to.
cat like-you enough
You have learned enough to see that cats are much like you and me.
cat wind done
When a Cat adopts you there is nothing to be done about it except to put up with it until the wind changes.
cat voice wow
Wow," came a familiar voice, "Hypochondriac killed the cat." -Dess Scott Westerfeld
cat pet pay
There's kind of a toll you have to pay with a cat; if you don't pet her for 10 minutes she'll bother you for six hours. Scott Adams
cat law jail
Put all the pervs in jail, bring back the birch and cat-o-nine tails. Ray Davies