Related Quotes
funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
time vacation
Before, I just used vacation time when we did tours. Mike Davis
time
We were dominated. At no time were we in this game.
time hands schedules
A schedule defends from chaos and whim. It is a net for catching days. It is a scaffolding on which a worker can stand and labor with both hands at sections of time. Annie Dillard
time lying silence
Under all speech that is good for anything there lies a silence that is better, Silence is deep as Eternity; speech is shallow as Time. Thomas Carlyle
time register
Wherever anything lives, there is, open somewhere, a register in which time is being inscribed. Henri Bergson
time
Right place at the right time is all I can say about that one. Charlie King
time
Really? I think for a long time they probably didn't have a quarterback because they were a wishbone team.
time
Reflection is not something you have a lot of time for. Robert Battle
time
If you think back to your time as a teenager, everything was dramatic. Sarah MacLean
taken class littles
I cook a little - I've never taken classes or anything - but enough to get by. Andy Roddick
taken thinking government
If I were to be taken hostage, I would not plead for release nor would I want my government to be blackmailed. I think certain government officials, industrialists and celebrated persons should make it clear they are prepared to be sacrificed if taken hostage. If that were done, what gain would there be for terrorists in taking hostages? Margaret Mead
taken names surprise
Cowardece is often just another name for being taken by surprise. Gregory David Roberts
taken procrastination maturity
One element of maturity is the realization that we don't get away with anything. Any advantage gained or convenience taken, any private procrastination or insincerity, no matter how subtle or quick in passing, is paid for. Hugh Prather
taken gossip truth-is
History is idle gossip about a happening whose truth is lost the instant it has taken place. Gore Vidal
taken world needs
In terms of the short-term objective [halving world hunger by 2015], the position I have always taken is that we don't need genetically modified organisms. Jacques Diouf
taken majority phrases
The day that music is taken for free by the majority is the day that the phrase "sell out" doesn't exist any more. Jack White
taken independent house
Fixing things around the house was the last bastion of manliness. But now, even that is getting taken away. As women become more economically independent, they are starting to fix things around the house for themselves. Hanna Rosin
taken giving want
If you give what can be taken, you are not really giving. Take what you are given, not what you want to be given. Give what cannot be taken. Idries Shah