Related Quotes
funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
single-life life-is
The single life is not one I willingly chose for myself. Jessica Savitch
stupid arches conflict
The archenemy is the arch stupid! Thomas Carlyle
stupid settling idiotic
You can be stupid once, but idiotic to do it again. I'll settle for being stupid Tony La Russa
stupid thinking way
Ethnic stereotypes are boring and stressful and sometimes criminal. It's just not a good way to think. It's non-thinking. It's stupid and destructive. Tommy Lee Jones
stupid school dumb
I had no confidence at school. I was not a good student and I really thought I was pretty stupid. Just dumb. Tommy Hilfiger
stupid people want
People want a result. Immigrant voters aren't stupid, and they're going to know who's on their side. Tom Snyder
stupid cat responsibility
A cat is a responsibility after all. And feeding and keeping and caring about a stupid fat cat isn't much, isn't much in the entirety of what counts for being a person and the huge range of what people do,but it is something. It is something and it's something that's warm and that I still have. Steven Hall
stupid phones iphone
500 dollars? Fully subsidized? With a plan? I said that is the most expensive phone in the world. And it doesn't appeal to business customers because it doesn't have a keyboard. Which makes it not a very good email machine. Steve Ballmer
stupid developers
"Developers, developers, developers, developers, developers, developers, developers, developers, developers...."
stupid emotional editing
I have an adult emotional life and an editing system inside me which prevents me from being preposterously stupid. Stephen Hopkins
wrong
They just wanted it more. We did all the right things in the first 12 minutes, and did all the wrong things from then on out. Bobby Jackson