Related Quotes
funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
needs live-simply ifs
You must have some money if you are going to live simply. It need not be much, but you must have some. Stevie Smith
needs looks fabulous
You don't need money to look fabulous. There are so many awesome new designers, so many designers doing collections for mass retailers. Stacy London
needs needed-someone complete-me
All my life I've thought I needed someone to complete me, now I know I need to belong to myself. Sue Monk Kidd
needs suggestions photograph
A great photograph needs no explanation; it functions by suggestion. There is no need to be explicit. Mary Ellen Mark
needs lifetime need-you
I need you for a lot of things, Hardy. A lifetime's worth of things. Lisa Kleypas
needs remember habit
Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. Paulo Coelho
needs selling theory
Our theory is, if you need the user to tell you what you're selling, then you don't know what you're selling, and it's probably not going to be a good experience. Marissa Mayer
needs equilibrium
I like to be sad once in a while. You need it for your equilibrium. Marjane Satrapi
needs way sometimes
Sometimes we need to get over ourselves and actually realize that sometimes, God has a better plan. God's ways are higher than ours. Nick Vujicic