Related Quotes
funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
life recreate saved
We didn't want them to have to recreate the wheel, ... In our eyes, Garrett saved Brennan's life because of the things that we've learned. Kevin Bardsley
life art cells
The mind is the seat of perception of the things we see, hear, and feel. It is through the mind that we see the beauties of the earth and sky, or music, of art, in fact, of everything. That silent shuttle of thought working in and out through cell and nerve weaves into one harmonious whole the myriad moods of mind, and we call it life. Charles Fillmore
life-changing night ill-will
Here is a mental treatment guaranteed to cure every ill that flesh is heir to: sit for half an hour every night and mentally forgive everyone against whom you have any ill will or antipathy.
life art thought-provoking
To do a dull thing with style-now that's what I call art. Charles Bukowski
life hipster people
Boring damned people. All over the earth. Propagating more boring damned people. What a horror show. The earth swarmed with them.
life sunset thought-provoking
If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose.
life truth kind
Life's as kind as you let it be.
life odds laughing
We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.
life crazy people
Some people never go crazy, What truly horrible lives they must live.
happiness happy love
The only way to be happy is to love to suffer. Woody Allen
happiness hurt positive-thinking
Happiness comes from within. It is not dependent on external things or on other people. You become vulnerable and can be easily hurt when your feelings of security and happiness depend on the behavior and actions of other people. Never give your power to anyone else. Brian Weiss
happiness pain littles
We don’t even ask happiness, just a little less pain.
happiness home house
A comfortable house is a great source of happiness. It ranks immediately after health and a good conscience. Sydney Smith
happiness today tomorrow
we know nothing of tomorrow, our business is to be good and happy today
happiness happy position
We've still got a long way to go ... but I'm happy with my position at this point.
happiness life
The real happiness of life is in doing 'karma'.
happiness blessing justice
No one praises happiness as one praises justice, but we call it a 'blessing,' deeming it something higher and more divine than things we praise. Aristotle
happiness security
with happiness and determination, but without confrontation with the security forces.