Related Quotes
funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
believe needed offense picks pitching tonight win
Sometimes your offense picks up your pitching, and I do believe that our pitching will pick up our offense more often than it will let us down. Tonight we needed the offense and we had the offense. A win is a win. Phil Garner
believe invest money opportunity past people run table taking terrific weeks
(Techs) had such a terrific run for the past two weeks that I believe some people are taking this opportunity to take some money off the table and invest it in the 'old economy,' Art Hogan
believe declining face passed physically terri
Terri is declining rapidly. We believe she has, at this point, passed where physically she would be able to recover, ... Face the Nation.
believe deal fact girls hold issue limits people themselves
Some people still don't believe she's for real. If they have an issue to deal with they should get over the fact that girls should have no limits set on them. They should never hold themselves back.
believe both center colonial people
Sometimes people in this area, they just believe that one of us, if not both of us, should be in the Colonial Center every year.
believe god heard seeing seen touched
Seeing is believing, I will believe in God only if I see Him; but are all things seen or heard or touched or tasted, as real as they seem? Sathya Baba
believe course lay partner russia stage strategic visit
Russia is our strategic partner and we believe that in the course of this visit we will lay the groundwork for a new stage in the development of Ukrainian-Russian relations, Viktor Yushchenko
believe timeless wearing
Sadly, I don't really believe in the idea of timeless fashion. It's an oxymoron. If 'classic fashion' really never changed, we'd all still be wearing togas.
believe combat death decisions exactly god human life notion prayer purpose serves stakes tremendous war zone
Prayer in a combat zone serves exactly the same purpose as it does in peacetime. In war, the stakes are life and death, true; but if you believe in God and in the notion of a human soul, then we are always making decisions of tremendous significance. Phil Klay
humorists
Great humorists are great insulters. Dick Cavett