Related Quotes
funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
humorists
Great humorists are great insulters. Dick Cavett
kids play oil
As a kid I'd play with homemade recipes, like putting pineapple on my face to exfoliate my skin and doing facial steams with lavender or peppermint oils. I just loved doing stuff like that. It's what motivated me to launch my skin care line. Demi Lovato
kids years people
Some people still see me as a kid, but I'm a 23-year-old woman now. Amanda Bynes
kids heart mind
In my heart and mind, I know I can hit anybody. I'm always relaxed. It's hard to explain. It's like playing with my kids. It feels natural. Albert Pujols
kids sacrifice nurse
I am big believer in breastfeeding. My oldest was breastfed for 9 months, my second for 6 months and I will try to nurse Kayla for 6 months. At the end of the day, it's a big sacrifice but you have healthier kids. Deborah Cox
kids years house
When you come into our house, you get a flavor for our life, our travels, our kids, our 18-year-old poodle who is like, blind, deaf and incontinent but so happy. Debi Mazar
kids saws comedy
Before the whole Disney realm had undergone this huge revamping, as a kid, I always saw myself doing these dramatic indie parts. And then I fell in love with doing comedy and doing kid shows and really working for kids. Debby Ryan
kids band trumpets
I was in the band when I was a kid, I played the trumpet. Drew Carey
kids home wonderful
I really wanted a wonderful, traditional home for my kid. Drew Barrymore
kids thinking worry
I think the world offers so many wonderful varieties of obstacles, but that shouldn't be one for kids - is the worry that 'my parents wont be there.'