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funny new-york divorce
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. Allan Sherman
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik
funny humor kids
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
funny jesus humor
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny mom couple
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
funny baby pain
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
successful people mind
I'm not always successful. But I try to treat the people the way I want to be treated. I really try to keep that in mind, but it doesn't always work. Mark Martin
success phones waiting
I sometimes say that success just happens. That's not true. You have to make it happen. When I make up my mind to do something, I make sure it happens. You can't wait for the phone to ring. You have to ring them. Michael Grade
success moving-on perseverance
Progress however, of the best kind, is comparatively slow. Great results cannot be achieved at once; and we must be satisfied to advance in life as we walk, step by step. Samuel Smiles
success mother strong
I heard that someone asked Mother Teresa what was most important in her work. I thought she'd say the Rosary but she said, 'My nuns and I take very good care of ourselves so we can tend to the lepers and do whatever we need to assist.' If you're strong, or at least not hurting, you can inspire others. Valerie Harper
success sweat dancer
When I was younger I'd berate myself: You're fat, you're not a good dancer, you'll never have a boyfriend. I don't sweat that kind of stuff anymore. Now every day is a miracle. I've also learned that if something is painful or upsetting, you shouldn't hide from it. You should make it part of your life instead.
success generations world
The measure of our success will be the condition on which we leave the world for the next generation. Robert Redford
success poetry intelligence
The poem must resist the intelligence almost successfully. Wallace Stevens
success strong desire
Doing little things with a strong desire to please God makes them really great. Saint Francis de Sales
success achievement ifs
What you are must always displease you, if you would attain to that which you are not. Saint Augustine
motivation greed wealth
Since time immemorial and pre-industrial, 'greed' has been the accusation hurled at the rich by the concrete-bound illiterates who were unable to conceive of the source of wealth or of the motivation of those who produce it. Ayn Rand
motivation eggs white
Every time you need protein, get yourself a boiled egg in. But your main meals would be chicken, or hummus, or white fish. You can lose about a pound a day. But you can do this stuff over a period of time, and you can have your happy days. It's about motivation and it has to be something that's realistic for you to keep up. Tom Hardy
motivational mistake sitting
The individual who is mistake-free is also probably sitting around doing nothing. And that is a very big mistake. John Wooden
motivation inspiration thinking
[There are] unseen objects that await us, if we as architects begin to think about designing not the object, but a process to generate objects. Michael Hansmeyer
motivation vanity four
Hunger, love, vanity, and fear. There are four great motives of human action. William Graham Sumner
motivation isms left
I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early. Yogi Berra
motivation thinking worry
Worry is focused thinking on something negative. Meditation is doing the same thing only focusing on God's word instead of your problem. Rick Warren
motivation what-matters achievement
Relationships, not achievements or the acquisition of things, are what matters most in life.
motivation inspiration giving
It's not about fooling somebody, it's actually giving somebody a measure of their own belief: how much you want to be fooled. That's why we pay to go to magic shows and things like that. Vik Muniz