Famous Quotes & Sayings

Mitch Hedberg

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

Mitch Hedberg

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

Mitch Hedberg

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

Mitch Hedberg

I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.

Mitch Hedberg

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

Mitch Hedberg

People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

Mitch Hedberg

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Mitch Hedberg

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

Mitch Hedberg

How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.

Mitch Hedberg

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

Mitch Hedberg

I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!

Mitch Hedberg

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

Mitch Hedberg

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

Mitch Hedberg

Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.

Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Mitch Hedberg

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Mitch Hedberg

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

Mitch Hedberg

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

Mitch Hedberg

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Mitch Hedberg

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

Mitch Hedberg

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

Mitch Hedberg

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up!"

Mitch Hedberg

Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.

Mitch Hedberg

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

Mitch Hedberg

I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" When I think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.

Mitch Hedberg

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like "Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf."

Mitch Hedberg

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"

Mitch Hedberg

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Mitch Hedberg

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

Mitch Hedberg

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

Mitch Hedberg

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.