Famous Quotes & Sayings

Denis Leary

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.

Denis Leary

Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.

Denis Leary

Everyone should have an evil secret plan...

Denis Leary

Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.

Denis Leary

Nobody can make more fun of me than I already make of myself.

Denis Leary

That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he'd be walking around Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black side burns going, Damn, I'm the son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now.

Denis Leary

Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them.

Denis Leary

I want you to take away the hope because that's the thing that's killing me.

Denis Leary

Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem? That's an unemployment solution right there, folks! It's called natural selection.

As a rule, bond funds will not double your money overnight.

I'm a terrific mimic, and you can feel my funny bone.

The people who don't train get tired, and they start wailing, and that is where the fun starts.

We are primarily going to go to the meet to have fun with a lot of different relays.

David Crosby

We've all been friends for a long time. And when the vibe's good we really have a lot of fun with each other.

We're in a funny space. Too much good news is not good news because the market worries about the Fed.

We spent that whole day with my mother, ... We had so much fun with her.

Wherever he went, he pretty much had a friend. He's a fun guy to be around.

Where the money is going is into global and international diversified funds, ... It's really not the type of fund to invest in if you want diversification.

Luke Treadaway

This morning someone sent me a very funny photo of me holding their puppy. We have matching colour jackets.

When you think about it, a lot of people have worked at retail at some time in their lives. And even if you haven't, all of us have had funny or frustrating experiences in stores.

Steven Wright

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

William Shakespeare

Thrift, thrift, Horatio! The funeral bak'd meats did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.

William Shakespeare

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

Louis C. K.

There's nothing that beats proving you're funny by making a funny thing, and right now there are huge outlets for that, with You Tube and all the other stuff online.

Louis C. K.

There's a need to perfect things in a writers' room, and that can take a lot of fun out of a show sometimes. It's a struggle. It depends on your personality. Some people love working with a writing staff. I had a great writing staff on Lucky Louie, but it sometimes felt like Congress or something.

Louis C. K.

For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing the thing. I rented it from Blockbuster and sped to that scene, and it was gone. I called up Blockbuster, and I'm like, "I got an erection, and the scene's not there."

Louis C. K.

I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... "Sir, could you please stop?"

Louis C. K.

If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes. Two minutes. That's really not long enough to be sure you're alone on the Earth, even. That's like... I walk outside, it's- there's not much traffic. "Oh, my God, it's just me! I'm gonna have sex with a monkey right now. Oh, no-there's a person."

Louis C. K.

Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those Chinese people, they can fly!" "You know about the Puerto Ricans? They're made of candy!"

Louis C. K.

I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!"

Louis C. K.

One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid."

Louis C. K.

People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, "Don't go to Harlem. You can never go there. 'Cause as soon as you get there, they kill you." That's what people think. As soon as you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away. That's people's image of Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day. "Did you see any? I didn't either."

Louis C. K.

It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.