Quotes about hum
humorous people stuff
Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff? George Carlin
humorous giving helping
Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.
humorous mcdonalds cost
McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.
humorous rivers swim
As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.
humorous florida police
The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way."
humorous fast-food cheetahs
To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.
humorous realizing incidents
Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"
humorous wow bows
In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf.""
humorous school down-and
In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.
humorous thinking balls
I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!
humorous apples pears
A pear is a failed apple.
humorous average looks
When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
humorous airports care
They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.
humorous thinking ideas
I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
humorous needs lawyer
If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?
humorous mean smoking
The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.
humor faces
She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.
humorous civilization decline
When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.
humorous tired guilt
I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.
humorous mind honest
If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.
humorous people soldier
Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.
humorous challenges sides
There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
humorous stupid-people catholic
Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason
humor fighting thinking
I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.
humorous people homeless
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.
humorous terrorist murderer
Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."
humorous disease impossible
Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
humorous giving selling
I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?
humble men color
Mr. Lincoln was not only a great President, but a great man - too great to be small in anything. In his company I was never in any way reminded of my humble origin, or of my unpopular color. Frederick Douglass
humanity monsters behavior
Usually monsters are some aspect of human behavior or humanity at large. Frank Spotnitz
humorous numbers phones
[Answering the phone] Hello, this is a recording, you've dialed the right number, now hang up and don't do it again. Frank Sinatra
humanity generations this-generation
I belong to a generation - assuming that this generation includes others besides me - that lost its faith in the gods of the old religions as well as in the gods of modern nonreligions. I reject Jehova as I reject humanity. Fernando Pessoa
humble thinking data
When I was standing there on top of the world, you become so humble, you do not think about breaking records anymore, you do not think about gaining scientific data. The only thing you want is to come back alive Felix Baumgartner