Famous Quotes & Sayings

P. G. Wodehouse

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

Milton Berle

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

Ken Thompson

The steady state of disks is full.

Mark Twain

But soft you, the fair Ophelia: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery - go!

Mark Twain

The humorist who invented trial by jury played a colossal practical joke upon the world, but since we have the system we ought to try and respect it. A thing which is not thoroughly easy to do, when we reflect that by command of the law a criminal juror must be an intellectual vacuum, attached to a melting heart and perfectly macaronian bowels of compassion.

Muhammad Ali

I'll tell you how I'd like to be remembered: As a black man who won the heavyweight title - Who has humorous and who never looked down on those who looked up to him - A man who stood for freedom, justice and equality - And I wouldn't even mind if folks forgot how pretty I was.

Oscar Wilde

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.

Oscar Wilde

I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.

Mike Harding

Economics, n.: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith ...

Mike Harding

Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them.

Mike Harding

If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

Mike Harding

The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service.

Mike Harding

The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't take it too seriously.

Ted Lange

I've always tried to explore the humorous aspects of life.

Julie Kagawa

Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?

Jon Stewart

For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't make things up. We just distill it to, hopefully, its most humorous nugget. And in that sense it seems faked and skewed just because we don't have to be subjective or pretend to be objective. We can just put it out there.

Jon Stewart

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

John Candy

As long as you can savor the humorous aspect of misery and misfortune, you can overcome anything.

Haruki Murakami

The best point of my novels, I think, is their humor. I want to keep many my works humorous.

Dave Barry

In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes.

Dave Barry

Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.

Dave Barry

The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf; the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap.

Dave Barry

Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost.

Dave Barry

This year, U.S. airlineswill carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which they will be fed an estimated total of four peanuts.

Dave Barry

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour."

Dave Barry

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

Dave Barry

The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form.

Dave Barry

Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: Hey! Wood heat! The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up.

Dave Barry

There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: passive systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and active systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.

Dave Barry

Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.

Dave Barry

The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns.

Dave Barry

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.

Dave Barry

If Charles Lindbergh, flying with no instruments other than a bologna sandwich, managed to cross the Atlantic and land safely on a runway completely covered with French people, why are today's airplanes, which are equipped with radar and computers and individualized liquor bottles, unable to cope with fog?