Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Biercewas an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce"...
behold breaker depress doth gratified head idols none poor protest round shall sit till
ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but pileth not up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the iconoclast saith: "Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it.
disease exposure prosperity
DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
disease forecast pulse
DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's pulse and purse.
enemy feeling formidable man prudent safely
CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.
act doer exception immortal intelligence judged light particular performed proof rule sees type wisdom
OUTCOME, n. A particular type of disappointment. By the kind of intelligence that sees in an exception a proof of the rule the wisdom of an act is judged by the outcome, the result. This is immortal nonsense; the wisdom of an act is to be juded by the light that the doer had when he performed it.
error neighbor present
DISABUSE, v.t. The present your neighbor with another and better error than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace.
appointed ask bent charged dawn descent eternity expelled favor finally halfway hatred head himself last mistakes moment permitted satan soul
SATAN, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in sashcloth and axes. Being instated as an archangel, Satan made himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from Heaven. Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a moment and at last went back. "There is one favor that I should like to ask," said he."Name it.""Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws.""What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn of eternity with hatred of his soul --you ask for the right to make his laws?""Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them himself." It was so ordered.
note
DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.
period screwed thousand
MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be screwed down, with all reformers on the under side.
point
ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.
affecting heavy means purchases within
BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the means of all.
absence accentuate against attitude authority choose definite elevates estate force fortuitous greatly ignore interest invention judge legal line low noble ordeal practice precedent previous rule task thereby whatever
PRECEDENT, n. In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has only to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate those in the line of his desire. Invention of the precedent elevates the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament.
pay tribute
COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles, but do not equal, our own.
ancient curiosity egyptian gratifying lower man museums serves vulgar
MUMMY, n. An ancient Egyptian . . . handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals.