Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Biercewas an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce"...
features infectious interior laughter producing though
Laughter is an interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.
agreed candid companion encouraged man night related robber saying stories supper traveling voltaire
ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs. It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling companion lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive, and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. ""Once there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues."" Saying nothing more, he was encouraged to continue. ""That,"" he said, ""is the story.
condition hours passed pulled related surprising
ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader who absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de Joinville.
brief kindness ten volumes
Kindness is a brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.
ambitious anyone illuminate patriotism rubbish torch
PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish read to the torch of anyone ambitious to illuminate his name.
bath bed cause certain cold empty health hearty men others otherwise persons point practices prefer pride reason ripe rise robust spite taking time tried truth walk
DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.
ceremony general good humorous invented kisses-and-kissing manner performance poets rhyme rite supposed unknown word
KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for ""bliss."" It is supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer.
attended cold commonly country cushion experiment governed grow letting period persons results spot unhappy warm worthy zeal
INTERREGNUM, n. The period during which a monarchical country is governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm again.
dogs hopes ill physician whom
Physician -- One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.
conforming general local quality standard
MORAL, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. Having the quality of general expediency.
affairs american-journalist friends-or-friendship future happiness period time
The future is that period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true, and our happiness is assured.
account brought events history mostly
History is an account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
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BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is performed with water in two ways --by immersion, or plunging, and by aspersion, or sprinkling.But whether the plan of immersion Is better than simple aspersion Let those immersed And those aspersed Decide by the Authorized Version, And by matching their agues tertian. --G.J.
foundation future lay
APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.