Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Biercewas an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce"...
bled chief fluid goddesses gods raging rash restrained serves white whom
ICHOR, n. A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of blood.Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, Restrained the raging chief and said:""Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled -- Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!"" --Mary Doke
asylum candle court defence eye few heat hot indicted instead judge less light none reformer science shall since spelling time
ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear. Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of every asylum for the insane. They have had to concede a few things since the time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to be conceded hereafter.A spelling reformer indicted For fudge was before the court cicted. The judge said: ""Enough -- His candle we'll snough, And his sepulchre shall not be whicted.
advantage profession respect virtues
HYPOCRITE, n. One who, profession virtues that he does not respect secures the advantage of seeming to be what he depises.
bladder descendant known route swim urban
PEDIGREE, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette.
cheating peace period periods
Peace, in international affairs, is a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
adopting advantage either perceive personal promise side unable
IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.
ambitious beg defined dictionary due famous illuminate inferior last patriotism resort respect rubbish submit torch
PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish read to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
architect caricature case chapter churches closer commonly dean enemy gallery grotesque local others owner perfect personal presented private relation structures
GARGOYLE, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building. This was especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery of local heretics and controversialists. Sometimes when a new dean and chapter were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others substituted having a closer relation to the private animosities of the new incumbents.
adam apples believe conscience eating eats fashion feels ghastly good hold ill noted shabby sinned sinner somewhat symbols truth within
SYMBOLIC, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretation of symbols.They say 'tis conscience feels compunction; I hold that that's the stomach's function, For of the sinner I have noted That when he's sinned he's somewhat bloated, Or ill some other ghastly fashion Within that bowel of compassion. True, I believe the only sinner Is he that eats a shabby dinner. You know how Adam with good reason, For eating apples out of season, Was ""cursed."" But that is all symbolic: The truth is, Adam had the colic.
according dictates europe father followed god leaving permitted pilgrim sing taken traveler
PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was one who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalms through his nose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he could personate God according to the dictates of his conscience.
denies ignorance knowledge longest mill philosophy
POSITIVISM, n. A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer.
affairs devoid drawn happy nose observed thrust
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
brand indicate title unmarried women
Miss, n.: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
apostle great overeat shows skilled thy
OVEREAT, v. To dine.Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess, Well skilled to overeat without distress! Thy great invention, the unfatal feast, Shows Man's superiority to Beast. --John Boop