Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Biercewas an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce"...
advance calculated
INEXPEDIENT, adj. Not calculated to advance one's interests.
citizen classes dominion elemental hardly himself knights known masters scheme simple unit
RESPLENDENT, adj. Like a simple American citizen beduking himself in his lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an elemental unit of a parade.The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet- and-gold that their masters would hardly have known them. --"Chronicles of the Classes
coward coward-and-cowardice emergency thinks
A coward is one who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
abolition brand consistent country escaped general indicate mister plague social sound suggest three title titles unmarried venture women words
MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In the general abolition of social titles in this our country they miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh.
household paid taxes
HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods.
coins metal pulls putting
Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets.
elevation human relative scale worth
RANK, n. Relative elevation in the scale of human worth.
editor light throws
LUMINARY, n. One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not writing about it.
assassins capital entertain expediency grave including justice misgivings penalty persons regarding worthy
Capital Punishment, a penalty regarding the justice and expediency of which many worthy persons - including all the assassins - entertain grave misgivings
favorable occasion opportunity
Opportunity is a favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
bodies buried dead discomfort dull greeks happy immortal parts seem state until
MANES, n. The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in a state of dull discomfort until the bodies from which they had exhaled were buried and burned; and they seem not to have been particularly happy afterward.
bird might suggested taught whose
Magpie, n.: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.
abolition believe conduct equals faith file leaders number plans plus possession prosperity provided rats seeking suffer teeth victims virtues
POVERTY, n. A file provided for the teeth of the rats of reform. The number of plans for its abolition equals that of the reformers who suffer from it, plus that of the philosophers who know nothing about it. Its victims are distinguished by possession of all the virtues and by their faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into a prosperity where they believe these to be unknown.
astronomer blood bulk component creatures distance emotion familiar floating fluid impressive increased large larger magnitude masses others overcome possibly proper purely relativity remain small spaces thousand unchanged understanding universe visible wee
MAGNITUDE, n. Size. Magnitude being purely relative, nothing is large and nothing small. If everything in the universe were increased in bulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it was before, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others would be larger than they had been. To an understanding familiar with the relativity of magnitude and distance the spaces and masses of the astronomer would be no more impressive than those of the microscopist. For anything we know to the contrary, the visible universe may be a small part of an atom, with its component ions, floating in the life- fluid (luminiferous ether) of some animal. Possibly the wee creatures peopling the corpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the proper emotion when contemplating the unthinkable distance from one of these to another.