Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Biercewas an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce"...
burn certain desire field frequently girls letters literary misfortune name neglected observed occupying overlooked popular quality reaping tormented women written
SALACITY, n. A certain literary quality frequently observed in popular novels, especially in those written by women and young girls, who give it another name and think that in introducing it they are occupying a neglected field of letters and reaping an overlooked harvest. If they have the misfortune to live long enough they are tormented with a desire to burn their sheaves.
affairs age appears applied blow bounds calls circumstance conquerors cotton devoid drawn ears extreme goes great happy lawyers man nose observed organ people run thrust transcend wherever whose writings
NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that great conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the age of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell. It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of others, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.There's a man with a Nose, And wherever he goes The people run from him and shout:""No cotton have we For our ears if so be He blow that interminous snout!""So the lawyers applied For injunction. ""Denied,"" Said the Judge: ""the defendant prefixion, Whate'er it portend, Appears to transcend The bounds of this court's jurisdiction."" --Arpad Singiny
feathers indigenous mostly species stuffed
PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed with garlic.
acute animals believing best class concerning eminent fact faith forms holds judgment known less marrow mysterious observer organ persuaded points professor soul spinal
IN'ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent investigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our important part. To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds that man's soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points confidently to the fact that no tailed animals have no souls. Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by believing both.
accurately altogether character closing consists false hand method money obtaining reading spell submitted word wrinkles
PALMISTRY, n. The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw's classification) of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in ""reading character"" in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The pretence is not altogether false; character can really be read very accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted plainly spell the word ""dupe."" The imposture consists in not reading it aloud.
absolute added ancient disbelief modern named philosophy professors
PYRRHONISM, n. An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It consisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its modern professors have added that.
accustomed aloud cries hands implement
PLOW, n. An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to the pen.
confined jail man taken writ wrong
HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when confined for the wrong crime.
borrow degree friendship intimate lend object poor rich slight whom
ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
barometer calm carry descended dreadful fair fell maketh nasty sailed sea ship sky tempest walking
FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.The sea was calm and the sky was blue; Merrily, merrily sailed we two.(High barometer maketh glad.) On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout, The tempest descended and we fell out.(O the walking is nasty bad!) --Armit Huff Bettle
applied black create doctrine god hope justify mortality overlooked pessimist proponent replied restore wish
OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. A pessimist applied to God for relief."Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God."No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that would justify them.""The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked something --the mortality of the optimist.
applied catalogue character converse crimes ears engaging female free gossips husband keyhole lady open overhear secretly soon subject thinks vices
EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself.A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free -- The subject engaging them was she.""I think,"" said one, ""and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"" As soon as no more of it she could hear The lady, indignant, removed her ear.""I will not stay,"" she said, with a pout,""To hear my character lied about!"" --Gopete Sherany
absent affection body cares carries exposed face form hath heed hopelessly man men sage stay tooth warning woman words
ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.To men a man is but a mind. Who cares What face he carries or what form he wears? But woman's body is the woman. O, Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go, But heed the warning words the sage hath said: A woman absent is a woman dead. --Jogo Tyree
allegiance entire fiction god novel owes region romance
Romance is the fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of things as they are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to probability, but in romance it ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination.