Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Biercewas an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce"...
affairs american-journalist friends-or-friendship future happiness period time
The future is that period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true, and our happiness is assured.
affairs devoid drawn happy nose observed thrust
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
affairs bigoted caught denying himself inactivity man temptation total weak yields
ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.Said a man to a crapulent youth: ""I thought You a total abstainer, my son.""""So I am, so I am,"" said the scrapgrace caught --""But not, sir, a bigoted one."" --G.J.
affairs arbiter attendance came capital contact defect disputes esteem final growth held high logic military personal physical point prudence requires settled simple supply
PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly these disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants, with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times could supply --the sword, the spear, and so forth. With the growth of prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. Its capital defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point of propulsion.
ability admirable affairs among belief black born conduct doctrine faiths foolishly given greatness himself ideas importance inherent innate itself mentioned nature personal supposed therefore though
INNATE, adj. Natural, inherent --as innate ideas, that is to say, ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it ""a black eye."" Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in one's ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one's country, in the superiority of one's civilization, in the importance of one's personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one's diseases.
affairs age appears applied blow bounds calls circumstance conquerors cotton devoid drawn ears extreme goes great happy lawyers man nose observed organ people run thrust transcend wherever whose writings
NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that great conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the age of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell. It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of others, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.There's a man with a Nose, And wherever he goes The people run from him and shout:""No cotton have we For our ears if so be He blow that interminous snout!""So the lawyers applied For injunction. ""Denied,"" Said the Judge: ""the defendant prefixion, Whate'er it portend, Appears to transcend The bounds of this court's jurisdiction."" --Arpad Singiny
adam among centuries ceremonies chaos charles chinese dead drumming egyptian embraces fantastic founded great grotesque joined julius man order paris past pyramids reign secret side stones symbols temples until
FREEMASONS, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious, Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the Egyptian Pyramids --always by a Freemason.
violin
CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut.
barbarous commonly composed compound delight elementary ideas incapable literary man people sentiments tire words writes
MONOSYLLABIC, adj. Composed of words of one syllable, for literary babes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound by appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon --that is to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions.The man who writes in Saxon Is the man to use an ax on --Judibras
commonly finger pointing
FOREFINGER, n. The finger commonly used in pointing out two malefactors.
attained found goal golden mad race run though work
DEAD, adj.Done with the work of breathing; done With all the world; the mad race run Though to the end; the golden goal Attained and found to be a hole! --Squatol Johnes
sovereign
ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state.
believes civilization ingenious inventor
An inventor is a person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
aim chief holding opponent pleasure time wasted
EPICURE, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time in gratification from the senses.