Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Biercewas an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce"...
dogs hopes ill physician whom
Physician -- One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.
hope retaining skin
LITIGANT, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
attest bear chase dead dies doubles enriching fly grief happy hope horse money pageant respect sacrifice savage souls strengthen
FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.The savage dies --they sacrifice a horse To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse. Our friends expire --we make the money fly In hope their souls will chase it to the sky. --Jex Wopley
according affirm belief confused difference doctrine doctrines escape great hope kept means occur reverent
PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all things occur according to programme. This doctrine should not be confused with that of foreordination, which means that all things are programmed, but does not affirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from other doctrines by which this is entailed. The difference is great enough to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. With the distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and a reverent belief in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared.
forced hope observer optimist philosophy
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.
applied black create doctrine god hope justify mortality overlooked pessimist proponent replied restore wish
OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. A pessimist applied to God for relief."Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God."No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that would justify them.""The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked something --the mortality of the optimist.
absent affection body cares carries exposed face form hath heed hopelessly man men sage stay tooth warning woman words
ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.To men a man is but a mind. Who cares What face he carries or what form he wears? But woman's body is the woman. O, Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go, But heed the warning words the sage hath said: A woman absent is a woman dead. --Jogo Tyree
adam among centuries ceremonies chaos charles chinese dead drumming egyptian embraces fantastic founded great grotesque joined julius man order paris past pyramids reign secret side stones symbols temples until
FREEMASONS, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious, Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the Egyptian Pyramids --always by a Freemason.
violin
CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut.
barbarous commonly composed compound delight elementary ideas incapable literary man people sentiments tire words writes
MONOSYLLABIC, adj. Composed of words of one syllable, for literary babes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound by appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon --that is to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions.The man who writes in Saxon Is the man to use an ax on --Judibras
commonly finger pointing
FOREFINGER, n. The finger commonly used in pointing out two malefactors.
attained found goal golden mad race run though work
DEAD, adj.Done with the work of breathing; done With all the world; the mad race run Though to the end; the golden goal Attained and found to be a hole! --Squatol Johnes
sovereign
ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state.
believes civilization ingenious inventor
An inventor is a person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.