Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Biercewas an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce"...
aboriginal ancient argument carried fitted lawyer lighter portable question statesman
QUIVER, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments.He extracted from his quiver, Did the controversial Roman, An argument well fitted To the question as submitted, Then addressed it to the liver, Of the unpersuaded foeman. --Oglum P. Boomp
law skilled
LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.
lawyer
Liar, n.: A lawyer with a roving commission.
anybody charged criminal dignity duties electricity expediency functions hanging held hereditary highest instance known law officer ordered performed populace recently states utmost
HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, where executions by electricity have recently been ordered --the first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the expediency of hanging Jerseymen.
american-journalist ask behalf laws prayer single universe
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
american-journalist ask behalf laws single universe
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
animal awhile balance barren bunch burial casket cheat country dead death doomed egyptians enriching fertile gases incapable lawn locking man meantime modern natural ought rose shall step supporting thereby vegetable vegetation violet
Embalm, v.: To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and the rose are languishing for a nibble at his glutaeus maximus.
affairs age appears applied blow bounds calls circumstance conquerors cotton devoid drawn ears extreme goes great happy lawyers man nose observed organ people run thrust transcend wherever whose writings
NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that great conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the age of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell. It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of others, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.There's a man with a Nose, And wherever he goes The people run from him and shout:""No cotton have we For our ears if so be He blow that interminous snout!""So the lawyers applied For injunction. ""Denied,"" Said the Judge: ""the defendant prefixion, Whate'er it portend, Appears to transcend The bounds of this court's jurisdiction."" --Arpad Singiny
agree along bend command exact excess falter forehead grape high hot indulgence knee law line penalties persuade preach precept quite reason sacrifices sit skull stool thee thine thy ungrateful unto warm worship
EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate penalties the law of moderation.Hail, high Excess --especially in wine, To thee in worship do I bend the knee Who preach abstemiousness unto me -- My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine. Precept on precept, aye, and line on line, Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree With reason as thy touch, exact and free, Upon my forehead and along my spine. At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup, With the hot grape I warm no more my wit; When on thy stool of penitence I sit I'm quite converted, for I can't get up. Ungrateful he who afterward would falter To make new sacrifices at thine altar!
adam among centuries ceremonies chaos charles chinese dead drumming egyptian embraces fantastic founded great grotesque joined julius man order paris past pyramids reign secret side stones symbols temples until
FREEMASONS, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious, Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the Egyptian Pyramids --always by a Freemason.
violin
CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut.
barbarous commonly composed compound delight elementary ideas incapable literary man people sentiments tire words writes
MONOSYLLABIC, adj. Composed of words of one syllable, for literary babes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound by appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon --that is to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions.The man who writes in Saxon Is the man to use an ax on --Judibras
commonly finger pointing
FOREFINGER, n. The finger commonly used in pointing out two malefactors.
attained found goal golden mad race run though work
DEAD, adj.Done with the work of breathing; done With all the world; the mad race run Though to the end; the golden goal Attained and found to be a hole! --Squatol Johnes